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8-1-22

hii!! i cant beleive its august already!! it seems like summer kind of just flew by. anyway, i just went on a trip to Eureka, CA and it was so pretty!! its a coastside town thats surrounded by the redwoods, and i really enjoyed staying there!! i also got a new book (should i do book reviews?) and a new wool sweater :-) sadly, it was really cold there, and i didnt pack adequately for that.. we did go to a lot of really nice cafes, but id have to say my favorite would probably be the main Ramone's on Harrison avenue. it was a really nice atmosphere, and they make amazing cookies!! i also did a lot of hiking, and it was nice to see all the redwoods. anyway, for me school starts in 2-3 weeks, and im starting to get a lot of anxiety over it. i dont know how i can prepare well enough, because i always feel that ill fall behind anyways. i guess when it happens, itll just happen. im excited that i get to use my personal computer for "important" stuff (not that this isnt important enough), because ill be using the same keyboard and setup whenever im typing. its just easier on my hands. im almost done with the animal crossing shrine!! i kinda hit a roadblock with the iframe element, but luckily i figured it out after taking a break. the only frustrating thing with making a page with a lot of little pages is sometimes the updates dont immediately show, and youll need to wait a day or two before they finally come across on the main page. i dont particularly like it, and i actually havent had to deal with a lot of lag since my site was really new. maybe its a storage thing?? ill never know. anyway, after this page is done ill go back to regular maintenance, and in the future i might make a page dedicated to things ive baked/cooked!! i think i have enough content for a whole tab, but i think i need to take a break from big projects and just focus on some details. i mean, i forgot to update my pronouns in the about me!! also, i just realized all the art on the art tab is super old, so instead of just laying it out in one big gallery, i might make a timeline (or monthly archives??) to make it less... difficult to look at. i mean, it takes a while to load anyway, but it doesnt really look coherent at all. i also might do seperate types of art, or some other way to categorize it. i dont even make stuff anymore, so i dont really connect with anythign there anyways. which is sad. anyways, thanks for tunign into the sporatically updated fish show!! sporatic? sporeatic? whatever!!

8-5-22

hi again! im starting to realize the format that these entries are in dont make a lot of sense for saving memory space. a new page for every three paragraphs?? baloney!! anyway, today im going to a record store with my friend, but i recently discovered that i only have 5.64 in my bank account. either i beg my parents to give me a loan, or i just wouldnt be able to get anything. either way i dont want to. at least i can take the bus again. i really like public transport, and im hoping to be able to actually use it this school year instead of making my mom drive me everywhere. my new school's is a bit far from my house, and i dont want to make anyone else late becuase of it. plus, now i can go wherever i want, whenever i want! no more being confined to other peoples schedules!! also, maybe i can become more familiar with the city im actually going to, because i never really spent any time there other than when i was at school. right now im trying to be as prepared as possible, so i have like thirteen different to-do lists for before school starts. i want to re-define myself this year. i want to be the person whos always on track with their classwork, and has plenty of other things and responsibilities out of school. i havent found any good sports programs or any volunteer opportunities for this year, since by the time i started looking all the application windows had closed. but thats okay! this fall, im technically still elegible for my old softball league, and by springtime i might have found something!! the only thing im worried about with softball is seeing some of my old friends from there... i dont want to talk to them ever again :-( they didnt do anything wrong persay, it was all just awkward to begin with. luckily, i found some cool clubs that my school has, and im torn about which one to take! i think the first month ill really focus on getting familiar with my surroundings, and starting a good routine for getting work done. i wont fall behind. i wont fall behind. anyways, lately ive been also tryign to fix my sleep schedule. currently, i go to bed at around 10;45, and wake up at like- 8 or 9.. its a decent amount of sleep, so i dont understand why im so exhausted lately. could it be im getting more depressed? or i dont eat enough? its a mystery to me too. hopefully i can find some sort of coffee i actually like, so i dont feel as lethargic in the mornings. after all, ill need the energy!

8-8-22

i just finished the ac shrine, and after a couple weeks it feels so weird to not have any big projects to work on.. maybe i should actually focus on getting things done in my actual life. i have to plan my moms birthday party, and also clean a LOT. man, thats exciting. i wish i could be the type of person that shows love more, and seems more appreciative, but its so easy to just show your exhaustion and be cynical. ill try to stay positive though.

8-14-22

hi! it feels like august is slipping away from me so fast. as soon as a day starts, its suddenly over again. i have about 5 days until my school's orientation, and then next monday i leave for a weeklong camping trip for it. im so nervous, and i feel like i have nothing prepared. i recently got money to spend on new school clothes, and i know the style i want to wear, but i feel like the more i try to motivate myself the more im losing myself. i have 4 pinterest boards, playlists, to-do lists, and even a tumblr sideblog dedicated to back-to-school, yet i still have no idea how it's going to be. i just want things that fit. i want to look normal in the clothes i wear, like they belong on me. but i know im just faking it to appear more "normal". i dont know who i truly want to be, other than someone who always belongs. i think i might buy some jeans and a tank top, and then ill re-evaluate it to see if i actually like them. mainly because i dont want to see myself in the htings i have now, and also because i dont know how else to show a change for myself. i dont know, maybe im just overthinking it. tommorrow ill put up some new curtains, and try not to freak out. i guess. i really want to cry, or scream, or do something to show i need help, but i dont know what help i really need. i cant spend any more time in summer, and i cant go back to school becuase i wont be the person i need to be in time. i need money. im scared to spend money. i want to throw up. maybe i should just start working more. or maybe i need to go to sleep. sometimes i wish i could get a list detailing everything i did wrong, and things i can do to fix it. i feel so lost as to why i continually freak out over everything, or why i cant make a commitment to anything. then again, dumping it out on the web isnt the greatest idea either. my stomach hurts. i should buy another t-shirt.

8-18-22

hi!! this past week has been kind of a blur, but i think it was still interesting. i think that trans dysphoria is the most weirdest thing. i mean, ten minutes ago i was crying because i couldnt find my "boy" sweater and that i wasnt as flat as a cis man would be. to be fair, i had just tried on some old clothes and nothing felt right, and then i tried to shrink my binder and it didnt work. i dont know what im going to do about the clothing situation. i need more boy shirts. annnnnd that makes me seem like im just dressing up like another gender rather than actuallly being it. im such a fraud. anyway, tomorrow is the last orientation for my school before the camping trip!! im super excited, and i think that im much better prepared than i used to be. but again, i dont have anything to wear. i know it makes me seem shallow, but your appearance is the first thing that people judge you on! i also havent started packing, and we're going to be staying for about four days. it seems all i ever think about is what school is going to be, or what im going to be doing there. i wish i could be more present in where i am right now. something i do sometimes is ill recite the date and time in my head, and then what im currently doing. for example: today is thursday, august 18th, at 1:26 pm. im currently sitting at my desk writing a blog post while listening to Nothing to Fear by Oingo Boingo and drinking a second mountain dew. i dont know why its become a habit, but at least its not as self destructive as other habits i could have. like biting my nails, which i really need to stop doing. it hurts.

8-29-22

hi, i know its been a while since i last updated, but its really hard to stay motivated.. plus i was away for a little while on my trip. so, my orientation went okay, i got lost and didnt find the entrance (so i ended up being late) and took my school photo!! i dont remember if i smiled or not though.. i know im kind of insecure of my teeth because theyre like stained lol

the trip also went well, i made some friends,, it was very cold though!!! we stayed in cabins and we had bunk beds, and they were so creaky!! i returned last thursday though, so ive also had a couple days at home. tommorrow is the first day of school,, and im so nervous!! i have nothing left to prepare but my outfit and my lunch,, so im just kind of sitting in my room watching the minutes tick by.. or at least thats how i feel. i dont really "make" anything anymore, and i hate myself for it. i mean, look,, i havent done any substantial updates on here in forever, and today when i went to practice bass it was coated in dust!! what!!! i feel like shit that i dont do anything anymore, because ive had so much time to make something out of myself!! and now that time has run out. its almost 5pm, and i have to do chores sooon, and then we eat dinner, and then the days over. my life is over. maybe im just also being really short-sighted right now, but i guess it motivated me enough to write this.
ive recently been consuming more lemon demon content lately, and i think that its rly good to rediscover old interests!!!! i also found an old cover neil did of a jackson witherbee song that was really good, but i dont remember the name... the word dissassociation video made me cry though :-( i think i posted on my tumblr about it, but i was also really sleep deprived at the time. im still sleep deprived. hopefully ill be able to wake up early tommorrow!!!
anyways, today i made coffee, practiced bass (i rewrote the eyewishes tab i made, but i havent updated it yet!), did chores, and i think i also went on a 2-mile walk while i went to the cornerstore? i tried the new peach monster ultra today too, i think its my new favorite :-))) then i think i replaced my phonecase... yeah.... that sounds about right
i dont know why i talk so much about my life, but i guess its therapeutic in a way too. i used to journal, but ever since i lost my favorite pen its not the same. plus, it made my hand cramp up a lot..... im actually almost finished with that notebook anyway lol

9-11-22

mink car hii!! its been a while since i actually did anything on here, but ive been really busy... ive been in school for about two weeks, and so far everythings been going pretty smoothly!! all my teachers are really nice, i made some friends, and i havent really had that much homework!!
my mental health is another story... ive cried two or three times everyday for the past week, and i also recently relapsed in self harming... um.... okay so the thing is i havent been going to therapy because my old therapist quit and the center that provides it hasnt really been responding... im really trying to stay positive though, and i think that this'll pass soon. its just hard.
recently ive been missing my abuser a lot, and sometimes i wish that i didnt file a restraining order against him. i know its just my memory playing tricks on me, but sometimes i find myself wishing he was still here. i still hope he dies though. i dont know, its hard to move on after such a shitty thing happens. also its the years anniversary after IT happened, and that might be why ive been feeling so shitty. whatever.
i really wish sometimes that i didnt have mental issues, but at the same time i know i cant just use that as an excuse to not do things. tommorow i am going to practice bass. tommorow ill finish the art tab. tommorow ill actually wake up happy, and be the person that i know i should be. im jsut so tired of crying and not making anything of myself. i KNOW i can, ive done it before, i just need to get up and actually do it.

on a lighter note, ive been cooking more of my own meals lately!! earlier today i made steamed vegetable rice with a fried egg and some coined hot dogs, and i think it turned out really well!! i really do love preparing food, and i think it can be considered as a love language. theres so much time and care that goes into making a meal, and im really happy im doing it more :-) i think once im older i would love to have a job in food service, like at a bakery or a resturaunt. it seems like something that woul dbe really fun to do, despite all the challenges one faces with a job like that.

also, today was 9/ll, meaning it was the 21st anniversary of the twin towers falling, and also of the tmbg album Mink Car releasing. today i spent a lot of time talking abt that album to my mom when i was playing it as we drove. i think i have a lot of thoughts about the music i listen to, and sometiems i can just dump that all at once. mink car is one of my favorite tmbg album designs, i just love the blueprint style they have for the cover. the colors are so fitting too. and the FONT!! i saw a first draft of the font's design a while ago on the tmbgareok tumblr account, and i swear to god its so COOL WHSHGSKSKSljh
i do rly wanna see them in concert, but when i checked the tour dates for the 50th anniversary flood tour they were doing, the venue had an age minimum that was too high for me to go :-(( im sure ill be able to see them live at some point though.. MCR on the other hand are coming to my city, and i reallllllly wanna see them!! the tickets are so so so so so so sos so so so expensive though... theyre so cool though.. agh

9-22-22

hi!! again, its been a little while :-( schools been kicking my ass omg
so, today was a really important day for me... not just bc its 22/22... today was my birth mom's birthday, and she would've turned 53 if she was still around. i called my grandmother, and my family and i got frozen yogurt and sat by a lake that we used to go to a lot when me and my sister were younger. its weird to think i never really knew her, but lately ive been thinking a lot about what she would think of me. would she be proud? my caretaker said she would be, but we cant be 100% sure unless she was still alive. it was still nice to relax though, and i really like fro yo :P personally my favorite is tarte, just because the flavors really unique and i rly liek it!!! i also got fruity pebbles on it, since they didnt have any fresh fruit.

anyway, today it was super hot out today, and i decided to also bake some shortbread cookies!! i ended up eating a lot of the dough though, so now i feel rly sick :-( originally, they were going to be jam sandwich cookies, but i forgot to make a hole on some of them, so they'll just end up being normal ones.

i feel like lately ive kind of just been each day on their own, and not really having any other experience other than whats in the present. i wish i could do more outside of school, but a lot of the time it leaves me too exhausted once i actually get home. i was gonna do more today, but its already 2pm and i wasted everything and i wasted my life waiting for something to happen. haha omori reference

9-24-22

today was weird. i walked for an entire hour in 85 degree heat, and found out one of my favorite artists actually died of brain cancer in 2006 (logan whitehurst, i really reccomend you check out his album goodbye my 4-track). for some reason i felt like just turning and walking into traffic, but i never did. i also sewed a small plush, but its more like a rag because i forgot to stuff it before tying it off. a lot of the time i feel horrible that im not making anything, not making a name for myself, but at the same time its still really difficult to even get up.

anyway, right now im watchign legally blonde, and im literally so suprised that Elle has my dream computer!! or, well, not my dream computer, but its one that i really love the design and colors of. its the iBook g3, but it got discontinued in 2003 :-( currently i own a samsung chomebook, and im really hoping to change the operating system soon (if i can lolz) but otherwise i rly like it!! i dont have any stickers on it either, but maybe ill find one i can use!