1-5-23

happy new year!!! i know its already been five days,, but ive been waiting until i finished this page's layout before i began writing. anywho, this week has both been eventful and also super boring!! like seriously i hate it!! personally,, i like winter break fine, but i prefer having a set schedule and routine to my day. if its up to me, i end up feeling lost and start getting depressed. which is what happened. its thursday, so this week should be over fairly quickly. im super greatful my school has a 3-week break, but it doesnt feel great for me!!! i would say this'll pass soon, but im always going through something. whatever!

i think it was tuesday when this happened, but i had ordered a super pretty cd player,, and it finally shipped!! since i had gotten it secondhand, i was afraid it wouldnt end up working (for whatever reason),, but it had functioned perfectly!! i love ebay so much!! when i buy stuff online,, i tend to feel super guilty for 'wasting money' on stuff,, but like just because i didnt need it doesnt mean im not happier with it here! end needless guilt 2023!!!

oh yeah. also. i did make new years resolutions, and i rly tried to make them achieveable. here they are: my 3.5 step plan to be a better person!
1. spend more time on hobbies
2. actually try to improve my mental state (super easy, i know)
3. do more stuff,, like idk get a job,, sign up for a sport,,
3a. talk to other people more :P
and there you have it!! i think ill prolly be able to do it,, but also im just now realizing i dont have anything new i want to do. mainly just old hobbies. i guess my life is just a circle now LOL just endlessly repeating the same 10 things until i die

its been so rainy in my area that they've issued a flood alert now,, and its basically been raining this whole week. i love the rain so much,, but like my friend's school's power went out yesterday,, and a lot of people's homes are getting destroyed. so far, nothing's happened to anyone i know...yet.... as im typing this the sun literally just came out!! gotta love mother nature :P

thats it from me!! hope yall like the new blog layout!! au revoir ☆

1-13-23

hi. i havent updated my site in a while. i think my updates are gonna become less and less frequent, for a lot of reasons. i wont stop though, i dont think i ever will LOL

this past week has gone pretty well, since its a new semester i got a new schedule and all that. im now in computer programming and learning javascript, which im really excited about. its just taking a course online though, but its nice to get formal education about it. hopefully it sticks. i mean, the teacher seems to know it too, so it technically would be more helpful in a class rather than just me doing it alone. i dont know. im just excited to learn it, since its seemed daunting for a while. plus, it opens up so many new possibilites for my site!

hmmm... its rained all week, and ive been struggling finding clothes that i feel comfortable and confident in. recently i gained a bit of weight over break, both because of recovery and of just bad regulation of my eating habits (i never ate then, so i dont rly know when to eat now..). i think its slowly getting easier, but it seems like every step forward is two steps back. i think a good solution is just to start building muscle and working out, but apparently now im not even allowed to do that. it still feels like my doctors dont even care if im happy, even though i know the numbers say im healthier. i dont feel like it though, i feel sluggish and gross. i can barely do a push-up now. ill probably start doing something 'less strenuous' like pilates, because i dont really like feeling like this. in the back of my mind i still make plans to restrict, but the only difference now is that i dont follow through on them. progress!! im so proud of myself!!! :))))

another thing is that i feel like i dont do enough stuff i have some volunteer and extracurricular opportunities im looking at, but for my whole school year ive just gone to school and home. i mean, i dont even hang out with my friends that much anymore. one of my close friends at school mentioned seeing a movie, and also about maybe texting more (or just at all, i dont really text people) and two days later im still thinkging about it. shoudl i ask them? shouldnt i? am i making this seem more important than it is, or do i think theyre more importnat to me than i am to them?? its all so confusing, a lot of the times i just overthink it and end up doing nothing. i accidentally ignore them a lot, too. i dont mean to clam up, its just something ive been doing for a while now. one of my new years resolutions is to talk to people more, and im seeing now how much of a struggle it really is. ill try though, ill keep trying!

the most important thing while trying to make a change is to take small steps, because if you take bigger ones its more daunting and you lose momentum easier. i feel like im stagnating though, and i cant stop because i feel like im not allowed to. i dont know!! i dont know anything!!

ive also been doing more arts and crafts too!! im almost done with a scarf that was inspired by Vanilla the Snowman, but the colors arent matched correctly. also,, ive done soem embroidery too!! i embroidered some stars on a courdoroy jacket, but the photos dont show it well :( i love love love arts n crafts,, i think that theyre the perfect way to express urself and find something fun to do!!

anyway, my family just finished watching ponyo,, so i have to go to bed soon. i hope our weekends are both nice :)) take care!

1-20-23

hello hello!! i say this waay too often, but i actually cant beleive its january!! today was a really good day,, i played online games w my friend during class and sent prank emails :PP it sounds stupid now that im writing it out,, but it was really fun <333 i feel like a lot of people also get this,, but for me its rly hard trying to differentiate romantic and platonic feelings,, because since theyre both positive feelings about that person. im currently going through that right now with one of my closest friends at my new school,, and i dont know what to do!! i dont even know if i ever had platonic feelings about them,, bc i remember like having a crush on them back in october too!! they were the first person i met,, and idk some things they say make it hard to tell how they actually feel about me!! adn theyre really pretty and nice and hjgu;iu;gJKHGK!@LGL!KG!GKKG!!!!!!!

anywho, im super super super super extra super excited because needlejuice records is finally uploading their remasters for damn skippy and hip to the javabean to most music streaming apps!! ive been waiting for a while,, and im really excited to see how they turned out!! also,, this prolly also means the cds for those albums are in production now :)))) i am literally shaking i cant handle this!!!!!!! im not really that much into lemon demon anymore,, but im still a fan :P

my family has been talking about going on a week-long trip to Los Angeles in july,, and im super excited!! i used to go down and visit my aunt and uncle every summer in LA, until they moved to the pacific northwest :( i love visitng the snow,, but i do miss the nice weather and beaches.. i need to do lots of research on where to visit,, but if theres cool places there that yall have,, im open to suggestions!! i definitely wanna see the Griffith Observatory,, but other than that i cant think of any </3

i could talk about my ED more,, but honeslty ive talked about it enough,, and nothing really has changed. i mean, if my mindset wont change, nothign else will. whatever. i hope life is treating you well,, and goodbye <3