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damn! its already the third of october! i kind of feel that i spaced out the majority of september, even though its one of my favorite months of the year :-( i did accomplish a lot though, so i guess that kind of makes up for it..
ive been in school for about a month, and im really happy with how its been going so far!! ive kept up with a lot of my homework, and the friends ive made are really nice :-) i did relapse in multiple ways though, and im not proud of that..
today, i didnt do much, but we did get boba!! we went to quickly, and i havent been there since i was about 12? i got the mango yogurt drink, and it was really good!! also, they had the coin-paid toy machines, and me and my sister got some light-up little dudes :33 ill put a photo 2 the right, but theyre really cute!!
recently, ive switched the code editor i use over to codepen, rather than the default neocities editor. i hope this'll help me code easier, because i dont want to put this site on hold just because im busy. i cant really update as frequently as i did though, so maybe once a week is what im shooting for. hopefully. i have a couple things i need to fix, and then hopefully move on to funner things :P
hii!! im currently in algebra and i have nothing to do, so why not write another journal entry? honestly, ive been kind of stuck in a rut for what ideas i can do for my site, since everything ive already done is kind of outdated. i was actually considering redesigning my index actually. since i dont update as often as i used to, maybe having a more self-sufficient homepage might make it less stressful for me while also still maintaining some newness. i dont know, i think at this point im just throwing words around. right now im working on a food page, but since i added some animation to it i still have to work out how thatll work as well as just the overall design. another thing i wanna do is redo my about me page, since i havent messed with that since like may. im not even that person anymore!
i feel like i should put more effort into how my site aesthetically looks, but at the same time i also need to focus on the content. but who wants to read a bare html page?
so anyways, its around 6pm, and nothing really interesting happened today. i was thinking about dying the blonde parts of my hair red, just because its getting a bit boring for me lolz. also, i do miss having weird hair!! i mean, i do have weird hair, but not that weird. never gonna cut it though, im just letting it grow out :-))
hii!!! my weekend was pretty good!! i had a picnic and my family and i tried seeing a fighter jet airshow, but it was too cloudy and they had to cancel it. me and my sister got build a bears though!! i got the happy hugs teddy,, and i named him Roy G. Biv :))) i couldnt afford any clothes for him though, but that just means i can make some at home!
today im out of school, due to the fact that i got my covid booster yesterday and sadly my mom tested positive. again. :-(
all my family including me has had covid before, and it was so horrible i cant even think about it for too long without freaking out. everyones wearing their masks, but i dont think i could handle it if anything serious happened.
i still havent come up with a good halloween costume yet :( i know its in 20 days,, but every time i try to think of something they all just sound like either too much effort or too simple. i might just be like a ghost or something. or a clown.
i miss my dad. he turns 55 today.
i was 17 days s/h free until today. im so disappointed in myself.
today i saw some old friends, and they were nice and all, but i felt so disconnected around them. i wish i could go back to when we all went to the same school. i wish it could be how it was. why cant i just be better?
HII!! okokok this past week went suprisingly better than it has, and ive been feeling better abt stuff and my life in general!! hopefully this lasts :33
a couple days ago i got a new cd, and its one of my favorite albums!! im pretty sure i also put it on this site too.
today i went to a fair, and it was really fun!! i tried some pumpkin pie, and they also had a corn maze. it was really pretty at sunset!! there was also a nice carousel :) i really like harvest fairs, but it can also kinda suck once you get tired. still, it was fun!
i think ive decided that for my halloweeen costume im gonna go as an astronaut. some other ideas i had were Mae's witchdagger costume from night in the woods, but i think that would be too obscure of a reference. or, i also thought maybe a scarecrow or a clown would be cool too. but, i really like how astronauts' helmets look, so im excited to get one :))
hihihi ok so this past week has been pretty weird!! ive been working on a potential new layout for my index,, since my current one is kind of out of date.. same with my about me page, i really need to update that soon.. its not that outdated, but i dont really listen to that music anymore..
i finally figured out my halloween costume!! i think im gonna be mae's witchdagger costume from Night in the Woods!! i dont have any plans for halloween though,, so ill probably just stay home and watch some scary movies with my sister. trick or treating is fun, but i dont think i would want to do it this year. i wanted to hand out candy to trick or treaters, but nobody in my neighborhood does it :(
ive been doing better mentally, but its hard to stay focused on the positives. my sister told me yesterday apparently that shes been really worried about me self harming, and that really hit me hard.. she said she has this fear of walking into my room one morning and trying to wake me up.. im genuinely so horrified at myself for making her even consider that, and i cant stop thinking about it. ive come pretty fucking close to doing that. ive struggled a lot in the past with my mental health, and even currently, with an eating disorder. the thing is, i dont know how to stop. i never do.
i think im gonna throw my razor out.
wow!! its november!! this is actually my least favorite month, just because of how dreary the weather gets where i live, but so far its been pretty good!! i did end up going trick or treating yesterday,, and it was odd seeing some of my old friends. it seems like theyre all so stuck in the past with old drama, and old issues, and it was just such a trip to see that again. i know thats very vague, but theres a lot of context that would be hard to explain. anywho. i dont go to the same school as them anymore, so ive been pretty distanced from it all. i did get a bunch of candy though!
in terms of today, it was the first rain of the season, so it was nice to eat lunch indoors for a change. since im apart of my school's student ambassador program, i also had a shadow come and tour today! they were pretty nice, and i hope they decide to attend :) also, i found out about another tally hall demo today, so im excited to listen to that later!! right now im listening to elysium by the velvet teen, and i actually really like their music :))) i only found them through logan whitehurst's album, but so far its really good!!
to take a grimmer turn, yesterday i almost had to attend court to defend a restraining order request i put in against my abuser. luckily, i was able to have my mom represent me, and now it's been renewed for another three years! to be honest, ive been really on edge lately about him in general, and also just really paranoid about it all. god, i hate that guy!
todays been kind of uneventful, other than that i had to walk home in the dark because the sun set super early. novembers been pretty good,, but ive been stressed out about my friends a lot. i mightve cut off one from middle school,, but they werent really that good of a friend and i felt that we had drifted apart a lot. our families are having thanksgiving together though, so that might be awkward.. i started listenign to some new music,, and also im trying to plan out my cd collection a bit more!! i made a discogs account,, and i think ill start trying to earn some income selling cookies or smth so i can fund this obsession :)) i really want Good & Evil by tally hall,, but also theres Lincoln and Mink Car by tmbg,, and also some oingo boingo albums... too many choices!!
since its getting colder,, im finding that i do NOT do well in this weather!! i hate it!! the only thing i dont hate about this is really tacky holiday sweaters. im actually really excited to plan for when im seeing a ballet preformance of The Nutcracker in december,, but im scared ill underdress and end up freezing to death!! i think itll be fun though,, ive never been to a ballet show :)
also,, tommorow i have a really important follow-up appointment with my doctor about the one in October,, and im so stressed out of my mind!!!!! ive been so high strung about wether theyd end up putting me into an inpatient program,, but seeing as how ive tried my best to not change in weight,, i dont think thatll be the case. however,, since the possibility of it is still there,, im TERRRIFIED. i hate that i have to be scared of that though. whatever.
okay. i need to talk.
im so fucking sick of everything. right now im just gonna be totally honest and open with everything ive been dealing with for the past couple months. starting in june, i developed a restrictive eating disorder that caused me to drop around 30 pounds. im not gonna go into details with the methods i used, but now im currently restricting much higher than i used to.
because of this disorder, ive lost a lot of the normalcy surrounding food. instead of taste, i see calories. i know the nutritional information for so many foods off the top of my head. i cant stop. all i think about is what i just ate or what im about to eat. and it sucks. i know im killing myself
my doctors and mom recently started to intervene, and this is where it gets pretty fucking bad. last week, they met with me after a month, to reevaluate if i was still losing weight as rapidly as i was. today, my mom said she met with my doctor and a psychiatrist, and they had a couple new rules for me. i cant count calories. i cant weigh my food. i cant even make my own fucking food. i have to have lunch. i have to delete myfitnesspal.
to put the cherry on top, i am forced to either gain 5 pounds by next month (december 20, aka doomsday) or im forced to go to an inpatient clinic for a week. an inpatient clinic means i would have to sleep there overnight, and thats fucking terrifying.
i hate how much this disorder has taken over my life. i want to get run over. i want to hit someone. i cant believe im writing this completely calmly, but i feel so destroyed by what ive fucking done. i feel happy now, finally fucking happy with my body, and all of a sudden they decide that this is wrong. if it waas so fucking wrong, why didnt you say anything when i was barely eating one meal a day back in august? then, that was agony. now that i look the part, i need to recover. fuck this. fuck them. ive already sacrificed everything for that, and they really think that just because i gain, thatll fix ANYTHING? all theyre doing is making me feel so much worse about myself.
im currenlty eating a salami and cream cheese sandwich my sister made for me, and i already feel like shit. i dont want to do anything. i want to shut out the whole world and cry.
hii!! its been a couple days into thanksgiving break,, and so far i feel like ive been losing track of time. my last blog post feels like an eternity ago,, and the situations gotten even worse. i dont really want to talk about it though. ive done some baking these past couple of days though, like i made some orange vanilla sugar cookies yesterday!! we have a huge bag of clementines that nobody really likes,, so i decided to use it :)
i think two days ago i drew in my sketchbook for the first time since september,, and im actually rly proud of it! it seems like i have so many hobbies i lose track of them, and then eventually forget about them :( its hard,, but im still trying to do it!! hobbies are what make a person whole,, and im trying not to see it as a chore. i can stop whenever i want. thats also kind of why i havent updated here in a couple days,, because i just got really burnt out and had to take a break. and thats okay!!
this year,, im honestly really excited for the holidays. usually ive been pretty cynical about them,, but it just seems so exciting now!!! ive made a bucket list of things i wanna do,, and also my christmas list is almost complete :3 its so hard to decide what to put on it,, because on one hand i do kinda want some of the things, but on the other hand im afraid of wasting my relatives' money if i dont end up using it. i still dont think im done...
anywho,, in general ive been doing a bit better, even if there are a few slips here and there :) for thanksgiving, im visiting my friend at their house to hang out for a little while,, then having the dinner itself with my family. i hope your holidays go well!!
